What NOT to say during sex

[Memoria]

You should do this for a living.

[Memoria]

Is that blood?

[Memoria]

What's that smell?

[Memoria]

Maybe you're just out of practice.

[David B]

You should do this for a living.

'That'll be 200 quid'

David B

[Monad]

http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/cza0416l.jpg

[HAMMER]

867-5309-e-ine.

[Monad]

Well I came - how about you?

[Memoria]

Are those real?

[HAMMER]

Are you awake?

[Memoria]

You'll still vote for me, right?

[Memoria]

Shhhh, my parents are light sleepers.

[HAMMER]

your even better than your sister.

[Memoria]

You're even better than my sister.

[David B]

You are even better than your daughters.

David B

[Memoria]

Can my friend have a turn?

[Ray Moscow]

For afterwards: Frankly, I've had better.

[Garrett]

What's your name, again?

[Ray Moscow]

Not my first choice, but you'll do for now.

[Rivka]

Is it in yet?

[ravenscape]

Are you done?

[Rivka]

Hurry up!

[Memoria]

Is that a crack in the ceiling?

[Ray Moscow]

Try not to wake me up when you're done.

[Rivka]

It's a jungle down here!

[Memoria]

Oh yeah...MOMMY!

[Zelda]

I can't feel anything.

[Memoria]

Mumbled by the other person
When are those tranquilizers gonna kick in?

[Zelda]

This is getting boring.

[Memoria]

Hold on, let me just kick-start this thing.

[Annabel Lee]

That looks like a penis, only smaller.

[Flying Buttress]

Move you head, I can't see the t.v.

[Flying Buttress]

Wake me when its over.

[Flying Buttress]

Don't worry, it's not a shanker.

[Ray Moscow]

No, I don't worry about catching STD's -- I've already had most of them.

[duck of the day]

You don't sweat much for a fat lass.

[Zelda]

Stop, I have to answer the phone.

[duck of the day]

You don't sweat much for a fat lass.

../ lad.

[Fuzzy Fungi]

YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS.

[AGH]

I hope that was a fart.

[Monad]

That went fast

good thing I filmed it

[Zelda]

OOPS Wrong Hole.

[Monad]

OOPS Wrong Hole.

I didn't notice

[Columbus]

OMFG, did you pay the light bill?

[Laton]

Is it in yet?

I can't tell.

[Ian Nerr]

Behaviorist: "That was good for you. How was it for me?"

[Flying Buttress]

Two inches more and make a sharp right

[Cabal]

YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS.

REQUIRE MOAR VESPENE GAS.

For the well-endowed: "Say when!"

For Bender: Up, right, rotate 62 degrees, engage rotors!

[Memoria]

When I said I liked vanilla, I didn't mean ice cream!




(meh, I tried to think of something with a banana split but came up empty.)

[Cabal]

Hold still a second, I want to see if I can queef to the tune of "La Cucaracha."

Oh holy shit, I can!

[Flying Buttress]

Brace yourself

[Zelda]

Oh My God, What is that?

[Memoria]

Can you pretend you're dead?

[Zelda]

what is that nasty looking scab?

[Memoria]

What do I like? Have you ever heard of scat?

[Zelda]

Hey did i ever tell you my ex had crabs....

[Memoria]

You should get an ampallang.

[Zelda]

Can you please pass me the remote control?

[Memoria]

You should consider Weight Watchers.

[Memoria]

Hold on, just let me put my ointment on first.

[Zelda]

That's okay, alot of people look funny naked.

[Memoria]

Oh, that's just my parasitic twin. It doesn't bother you, does it?

[Zelda]

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

[Memoria]

I'll finish up myself...thanks :rolleyes:

[GabrielWithoutWings]

I wonder if your dad ever got your mom in this position...

[Memoria]

You liked the way I lick you? I didn't lick...Rover, get out of here!

[Cabal]

Rover, here boy!

[Zelda]

When would you like to meet my parents?

[David B]

When would you like to meet my kids?

David B

[Zelda]

be Quiet my Brother is asleep on the floor.

[Garrett]

be louder, my fil is in the other room

[Rivka]

ALLAH'U'AKBAR!!!!!!!

[Matty]

premature for who?

[Matty]

Oh, that's just my parasitic twin. It doesn't bother you, does it?

fuck. eeewww.lol.



"hmm, doesnt do much for you? Weird. Your sister loved it"

[Cabal]

I have a small penis? You have a HUGE vagina!

(cheers curb your enthusiasm)

[Memoria]

Oh, that's just my parasitic twin. It doesn't bother you, does it?

fuck. eeewww.lol.


Thank you.



You don't mind if I catch up on some reading, do you?

[BWE]

Shhh! I can hear you.

[Lanakila]

You can stop, I'm not going to come.

[Memoria]

Are you alive?

[Cabal]

I'm bored, can I doodle on your back?

[Memoria]

Ok, lemmesee...Chapter 1: This is a vagina.

[Untheist]

"Well, I'm almost 18."

[Cabal]

Or the British version:

"Well, I'm almost 16."

[Memoria]

http://lh6.ggpht.com/IamMemoria/SQUJGIIQnJI/AAAAAAAAAog/-fL48P65lCU/s128/but%20she%20said%20she%20was%2018.jpg

[Matty]

weird, thats the exact same giggle your dad gives when i tickle his balls

[Memoria]

Oh, that's just my parasitic twin. It doesn't bother you, does it?

fuck. eeewww.lol.

How about this one?



That's my parasitic twin. You know, he can get hard-ons too http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/winking/winking0075.gif

[Matty]

gross.

i remember seeing a flame fest between a good friend of mine and his soon to be twin brothers in law.
One line that helped secured him the win was "Yeah, well you two rubbed cocks together in the womb".

nice.

[HAMMER]

Don't look at me, I don't want you to see me not looking at you.

[Memoria]

I have diarrhea.

[Flying Buttress]

btw, I hope you're not allergic to yeast.

[Memoria]

Be careful of that sore while you're down there.

[David B]

btw, I hope you're not allergic to yeast.

Or nuts:D

David B

[Link]

Oh Sheik....;)

[Garrett]

Hold on, I need to go grab my scalpel.

http://www.vampiresamongus.com/images/bloodline.gif

[Zelda]

oh my god, what is that?

[Memoria]

Hold on, I need to go grab my scalpel.

http://www.vampiresamongus.com/images/bloodline.gif
If that was animated it would be so cool!

[Zelda]

You've got what kind of Bugs?

[Untheist]

OK, you got me, I'm married. But my husband won't get out of jail until . . . wait, what day is this?

[Memoria]

Get off already!

[Zelda]

serez-vous gober mes boules

[HAMMER]

No, I never had a left nut.

[Memoria]

I haven't been fucked like that since daddy went to prison!

[Ray Moscow]

When you've been exposed to as many STD's as I have, you build up a certain immunity.

[HAMMER]

No no. that can't be right, that's my mothers name!

[Zelda]

Could you just, Not look at me.

[Memoria]

Do you mind wearing this diaper & sucking on a pacifier?

[Matty]

didnt i mention it earlier? No? My bad, my retarded brother and i share EVERYTHING.

[Memoria]

Wow! You're way tighter than the cow!

[Untheist]

You do know my daddy's the sheriff, right?

[Untheist]

Now you have to marry me.

[Aca]

Hon, could you hurry up, i need to pee

[Winnie the Pooh - Halloween Sock]

Sing Ho! For the life of a Bear!

[Big Hunk - Halloween Sock]

While sleeping with an african american girl she says:

My daddy's the leader of the Ku Klux Klan !

[Memoria]

I think the condom broke.

[GabrielWithoutWings]

"Ohhh... I can't get off unless I'm top..."

"I can't get off unless I'm on CRACK."

[Zelda]

http://img2.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/adult/work4sex.gif (http://www.mysmiley.net/free-animated-smileys.php)
How much do I owe you?

[Memoria]

Don't you ever trim that thing?!?

[Garnet]

No, I wasn't snoring. Really.

[Untheist]

I don't think that condom will work. Are they available in children's sizes?

[Memoria]

NO WAY!!! I ain't goin' near that!

[GabrielWithoutWings]

Don't you ever trim that thing?!?

Ugh.. bad flashbacks...

[Memoria]

Sorry 'bout dat. Wanna cookie?

[Flying Buttress]

Better put your cleats on for this next part

[Memoria]

I thought we'd stay in tonight & watch a little movie. Have you ever seen "2 girls, 1 cup"?

[Matty]

[kingpin] What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? [kingpin]

[Garnet]

What's that smell?

[GenesisNemesis]

Ohhh, so that's what a vagina looks like!

[Untheist]

My mama told me not to let anyone touch me there.

[Flying Buttress]

I'm sooooo drunk!

[Flying Buttress]

geez, what did you use for lubricant? Crunchy peanut butter??

[Flying Buttress]

Hold on tight! The last time I tried it this way I fell into my own vagina!

[perfessor]

No, I wasn't snoring. Really.
Oh shit. I think I've said that one.

[Garrett]

mmm

what's your sister's name, again?

[Memoria]

*Excessive giggling*


















From the guy.

[BWE]

So, do you understand securities bundling?

[Zelda]

oops, wrong hole

[Matty]

"i put on my cloak and wizards hat" (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/bloodninja)


ever done any role playing? You have, cool, how d'you like to have a crack at Helen Keller?

[Memoria]

You're going to stick that where?!?

[Goldie]

SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

[Garnet]

Wrong hole!

[Goldie]

How much did you pay for that?

[Memoria]

Look at that! I can pull these things up high enough to cover your entire face!

[Worldtraveller]

I saw this in a cartoon once, but I think I can do it.

(This, oddly enough, also works to scare the shit out of a passenger in a car...) :D


...not that I would know. I've umm...heard. :cool:

[Goldie]

I brought magic markers and glue!

[Worldtraveller]

I brought magic markers and glue!

Heh. I wanna party with you! ;) :eek:

[Goldie]

I brought magic markers and glue!

Heh. I wanna party with you! ;) :eek:

lol! ...and scissors! :D
(I just realized the double meaning of my last post, doe!)

[David B]

Was that noise the keys just falling out of reach?

David B

[Magdlyn]

lol! ...and scissors! :D

Don't tell sidhe!

[Stout Drinker]

This is a very loose grip. You must have heard that before.

[Goldie]

I shaved. ...a week ago.

[Memoria]

Of course I'm a virgin.

Why do all you guys always ask that?

[Memoria]

I brought magic markers and glue!

And I brought the glitter!

[Stout Drinker]

You are just like my mother.

[Memoria]

You don't mind if I put this beer on your back, do you?

[Goldie]

Last night, I was watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it gave me a few ideas!

[Stout Drinker]

Move your head to the left. I need to see this field goal attempt.

[Goldie]

Guy: Sings "Roxanne" by The Police

[Goldie]

Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.

[Memoria]

What? You thought I was a guy? I thought you were a guy!

[Stout Drinker]

My penis had this weird rash on it.

[Goldie]

That's NOT supposed to be there!

[Memoria]

My penis had this weird rash on it.

I don't mind.

[Goldie]

IT'S STUCK!

[Memoria]

So that's where that ring disappeared to.

[Goldie]

So that's where that ring disappeared to.

lolled

[Stout Drinker]

That ring was a special gift. It seems so dirty now.

[Memoria]

Damn! The pump failed again!

[Memoria]

I think I have to pee...there, I'm done.

[Flying Buttress]

If it starts whistling, plug your ears and duck!

[Flying Buttress]

See? I am too a natural blonde!

[Flying Buttress]

oh shit! My stud is stuck in your hoop!

[Flying Buttress]

It will only hurt for the first hour or so

[kiwimac]

That's just NASTY!

[Memoria]

http://i494.photobucket.com/albums/rr305/Memoria_album/lolcats/lolcat-excuseme.png

[Memoria]

http://i494.photobucket.com/albums/rr305/Memoria_album/lolcats/pyzamfrewup.jpg

[Memoria]

http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/indifferent/indifferent0008.gif

[Goldie]

http://i494.photobucket.com/albums/rr305/Memoria_album/lolcats/pyzamfrewup.jpg

THIS^ IS THE GODDAMNED CUTEST THING!

[Garrett]

http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/indifferent/indifferent0008.gif
Bah. Your snoring is ruining the mood.

[Flying Buttress]

Wake me when you're done.

Just don't mess up my hair.

Could you please get my diaphram? It's in the bathroom. I use it as a tub stopper in between.

Maybe I could use a baggie for a condom

[Flying Buttress]

That's not cum, its snot.

[Zimpo]

"Next!"

[Memoria]

http://i494.photobucket.com/albums/rr305/Memoria_album/lolcats/pyzamfrewup.jpg

THIS^ IS THE GODDAMNED CUTEST THING!

Guys generally don't like when you say that :D

[Monad]

I brought magic markers and glue!

And I brought Gary Glitter!

Definitely what not to say

[Garrett]

wtf are you doing?

[Matty]

Guys generally don't like when you say that :D

Isnt that SWEET, looks just like a normal dick, only smaller.

[Memoria]

Guys generally don't like when you say that :D

Isnt that SWEET, looks just like a normal dick, only smaller.

Then you hold it in the palm of your hand & tickle it under it's "chin".

[Goldie]

wtf are you doing?

I'm glueing on google eyes and a making a felt tux/ with glitter trim for your lil' man. :D
I'm a crafty lover. ;)

[JamesBannon]

I saw this in "101 Things to do with a Dead Cat!"

[Memoria]

My brother used to do that same, exact thing!

[JamesBannon]

Now I see why they call you "pee wee"!

[Memoria]

Why don't you go put on that nice little leather altar-boy outfit I bought for you?

[Stout Drinker]

You taste just like my ex wife did on her period.

[Goldie]

You taste just like my ex wife did on her period.

UG!
AWWW!
*runs around pulling hair out and sticking out tongue*
and that is also something that you should not do or say durring sex either!

[Zimpo]

You taste just like my ex wife did on her period.

UG!
AWWW!
*runs around pulling hair out and sticking out tongue*
and that is also something that you should not do or say durring sex either!

Well.. the sticking out the tongue part could be useful at times :D

[Goldie]

You taste just like my ex wife did on her period.

UG!
AWWW!
*runs around pulling hair out and sticking out tongue*
and that is also something that you should not do or say durring sex either!

Well.. the sticking out the tongue part could be useful at times :D

:D That depends on the tongue.:p

[Memoria]

This reminds me of the good old days camping with dad.

[Tiamat]

Easy to follow flow chart

http://www.comicvsaudience.net/images/flow_sex.jpg

[Tiamat]

http://i494.photobucket.com/albums/rr305/Memoria_album/lolcats/pyzamfrewup.jpg

THIS^ IS THE GODDAMNED CUTEST THING!

LOL that is so cute.

[Memoria]

Easy to follow flow chart

http://www.comicvsaudience.net/images/flow_sex.jpg

Oh hell! I think I'll just moan & grunt, it's easier.

[Untheist]

We've got to do this quick before my mom gets home. She always wants to join in.

[Goldie]

It smells like catfood and ass in here!

[David B]

We've got to do this quick before my mom gets home. She always wants to join in.

that's Bad??

David B

[Garnet]

Depends on his mother.

[tediknight]

hey, lets go, make it snappy, overtime is about to start

[Untheist]

We've got to do this quick before my mom gets home. She always wants to join in.

that's Bad??

David B

Well, yes, I guess it depends . . .

Depends on his mother.

. . . his being the operative word. :)

[David B]

Depends on his mother.

her mother, from my POV.

And at my age, if the mother is still alive and wants to join in, then that can't be bad!

David B

[JamesBannon]

WTF! I've got cramp!

[Garrett]

^ Do you have morning sickness, too?

[Memoria]

Meet my little friend!

[Memoria]

It smells like catfood and ass in here!

Is that a bad thing?

[Garrett]

How long can you hold your breath?

[Tiamat]

Not a comment...but something I actually did one time was bust up laughing.

[Memoria]

Feather goes WHERE?!? :eek:

[Tiamat]

heh, had nothing to do with feathers. His umm...method just cracked me up. Didn't help his ego any. LOL

[Memoria]

I bet you scarred him for life! Men are so touchy about stuff like that.

[Preno]

"lol trolled"

[Memoria]

It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose.

[Matty]

Hmm, you are tighter than i was lead to believe, jessicat"

[Memoria]

Hmm, you are tighter than i was lead to believe, jessicat"

:eek: You so bad!!




:D

[Garrett]

Hmm, you are tighter than i was lead to believe, jessicat"
eww, matty poked mason :yuck:

[Memoria]

This reminds me, I have to go to the gynocologist.

[Garrett]

Does this count as a date?

[Tiamat]

Did I mention I wanted a baby?

[Garnet]

You do know that a fertilized ovum is a human, right?

RIGHT????

[Tiamat]

Oh please, you woke me up for that?

[Memoria]

I think my water just broke. It's ok, keeps going.

[Garrett]

Could you hurry up, the game is on in 10 minutes!!!

[Memoria]

http://i494.photobucket.com/albums/rr305/Memoria_album/lolcats/lolcat-youcallthatbig.jpg

[Garrett]

I love you so much, I want to be with you the rest of my life!

[Memoria]

http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/scared/scared0008.gif

[Monad]

I give better head if I take my teeth out first

[Stout Drinker]

You're grip is loose. Can we switch to anal?

[Monad]

I would but I have diarrhoea

[Memoria]

You're grip is loose. Can we switch to anal?

Since when is asking for anal something you're not supposed to say?










:eek: Did I post that outloud?

[Monad]

Oh go on then you might as well - everyone else has

[Untheist]

Sorry, babe, but my horoscope said I should avoid pussies today.

*she leaves*

Oh wait . . . that's Pisces.

[Garrett]

I give better head if I take my teeth out first
gum job!

[Monad]

I give better head if I take my teeth out first
gum job!

Safe sex for the paranoid