Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Suck (Spoilers ITT)

[teeth!]

Spoilers ahead. Read on at your own peril.

So, I went last night to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Suck. I wasn't expecting much; Shia LeBouf tends to make movies terrible just by virtue of appearing in them, and let's face it, George Lucas hasn't had a good track record as far as movies go lately. Neither has Stephen Spielberg. So, I was sort of expecting a action-filled but absolutely charmless movie filled with cheap CGI and Jar Jar Binks. And holy crap, Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Suck failed even there.

The movie starts with a bunch of Soviets ransacking that warehouse we see the US Government wheel the Ark into in Raiders. Now, this warehouse is full of things. The Soviets don't want the Ark. They want a coffin with weird "magnetic" properties. Magnetic properties that include attracting gunpowder, lead, and god knows what else, but only when convenient for plot. They've captured Indiana Jones and they're holding him at gunpoint with another dude. Indiana tries to escape, but the other guy turns out to be a commie spy and Indiana gets fucked. Turns out the coffin contains the alien from Roswell.

Here's a cool fact, though. The army base scene was not filmed at an army base. It was filmed at Ghost Ranch, a major fossil bonebed.

lol

So, Indy gets out and finds himself in the middle of a nuclear test site, scrambles inside a refrigerator, and the whole place is nuked. Indy survives because the refrigerator is lead-lined.

lol

So, now the CIA is after Indy because the KGB kidnapped him, and he loses his job at his university (tenure apparently means nothing) and we see some forlorn looks at photos of Brody and Sean Connery. Sean Connery is apparently dead. Indy then leaves and runs into Shia LeBouf, who is a malt-shop gang member right out of West Side Story and wants him to translate something because his mom and a family friend got kidnapped. Something to do with crystal skulls. KGB are following, and then there's a motorcycle chase through the school grounds. So, they get back to Jone's study, and they translate the letter from some ancient tongue which probably doesn't exist, and figure out that they have to go to the Nazca lines in Peru. So, they charter a plane and off the Peru. They find out that the friend (The Ox, a stoner of unparalleled magnitude) was in an insane asylum, and there are some crazy pictures scrawled on the walls: an alien-looking skull and the words "return" in a bunch of languages. Okay, the skull has to be returned. Apparently it was stolen from El Dorado by the conquistadors and it has to be brought back. So, they go out to some ruins, fight a bunch of natives who have nothing better to do that sit around in an abandoned city, and they get the crystal skull. Oh, and Shia LeBouf is terrified of scorpions. Hey guys, if you can't tell that he's Indy's lovechild yet, raise your hands. But hey, the KGB is there staking them out, and Indy and Shia LeBouf get captured, and taken to the KGB camp.

Now, we learn that they have The Ox, who is ponchoed up and stoned out of his gourd. They also haave Shia LeBouf's mommy, who turns out to be....shocking....Marion from Raiders of the Lost Ark. The KGB is led by Cate Blanchett, who has a really distracting inability to pick whether her accent is vaguely Eastern European or British. She wants the crystal skull because it is an artifact with psychic power. She makes Indy use it on himself to learn about something or another; apparently this is what permastoned the Ox. She basically wants to use it to turn all Americans into communists. Apparently this is payback for McDonalds. From the effects on Anyways, they figure out where El Dorado is, and then Shia LeBouf stages an escape and they end up in quicksand. Stoner and Shia LeBouf run off to find help, and Indy and Marion have a shouting match and we find out that Shia LeBouf is Indy's son.

lol

So Shia LeBouf comes back with a rope....no wait, it's a giant snake. According to the movie, it's a rat snake, but actually, it's a python (Liasis olivaceous). Now, there are neither rat snakes nor Liasis in South America, but hey, this is just biologist nitpicking.

But we get the "omg Indy hates snakes" gag out of the way. And it really is a pretty snake.

And then they get captured, and then there's an extended chase scene and some Russians get carried off and eaten by army ants. Shia LeBouf gets helped by some monkeys (WTF?) and then the whole Jones crew goes over a few waterfalls and finds the entrance to El Dorado.

So, they enter El Dorado and it turns out that the crystal skull is not a carving of a god; it is a god, one of a bunch of little green men who came and taught people about civilization. And then it turns out that there are a bunch of natives who have nothing better to do than sit walled into the frescoes, who then break out and chase the Jones crew. They are, literally, called the Ooga-Booga Tribe or something equally racist. Go George Lucas!

I'm still trying to figure out how these people survive being walled up in these pillars. I'm assuming the rest of the tribe occasionally comes by and knocks on the walls:

"Hey Jim, you okay in there? Need some primitive native gruel? Jim? You in there?"

"Hey guys, I think Jim might be dead. Okay, pull down the fresco. Joey, you're on pillar duty from now on. We'll have your wife bring you gruel and pour it through the eyeholes occasionally. Remember, we have a sacred duty to protect the temple in case of the off chance that some dashing archaeologist and his merry men come by to return the bones of our gods, and in such an event, we will run around screaming "ooga-booga" and summarily all get shot by commies."

This is in fact what subsequently happens. Then, the Jones crew makes it into the central temple by destroying some artifacts, and then they find all sorts of art from various ancient civilizations. Apparently the aliens have no taste in art, either. Also, apparently, we're sticking to the whole "Aliens built the pyramids lolwhut" thing. Who the hell knows.

So then, they make it to the alien control room, and there are seven alien skeletons, one of which is missing its skull. The Soviets are there, and Cate Blanchett talks more about her plan to control the world, and then they put the skull back, and the aliens all come to life, and meld into a single alien. Ox the Stoner is now suddenly sober, and he's not hungover (WTF) and that they're interdimensional travelers and they're opening up a portal to another dimension. Jones et al run away as fast as they can, and Cate Blanchett gets the face-melt treatment before the entire complex is destroyed and a huge flying saucer erupts from the ground and then disappears. Then, everyone lives happily ever after; Indy gets a job as the assistant dean back at the university, and then Indy and Marion get hitched, and Shia LeBouf suggests that he's gonna be the next Indiana Jones, because he was named Henry Jones III, and then credits rolled almost as much as my eyes did.

So, my thoughts:

1. The movie tries far too hard to tell you that you are in fact watching Indiana Jones. There's a little bit with the Ark of the Covenant, there's the classic lines ("I have a bad feeling about this..."), and there's constant verbal reminders that we're watching an Indiana Jones movie. Cool, I get it. This is Indiana Jones. Problem is, they seem to have forgotten that when writing the script.

2. Too many George Lucasisms. Cute prairie dogs in the Southwest scene, the monkeys (WTF).

3. Too many "hey guys, we're resurrecting the franchise hints." I don't want to see 20 years of Shia LeBouf stepping in where Harrison Ford left off.

4. Shia LeBouf ruins movies just by seeing them, let alone starring in them.

5. Too much runaround. Not enough awesome puzzles. The awesome puzzles were what made Raiders of the Lost Ark and Last Crusade as awesome as they were.

6. They should have had Sean Connery in the movie. Sean Connery makes everything better. Really.

7. The chase scenes went on and on and on. No fun.

8. Did I mention Shia LeBouf?

9. Aliens. No. Seriously. WTF.

[Rhaedas]

Well, I did have a bad feeling about it...

Sounds like a mess.

Obviously they let George take the script home with him. Never a good move. Anyone who was involved with any of the previous movies should have walked off the set.

Your most important point, I think...

5. Too much runaround. Not enough awesome puzzles. The awesome puzzles were what made Raiders of the Lost Ark and Last Crusade as awesome as they were.

The puzzles, and the flow of the movie. Classic story telling. Did Spielberg lose the gift, or is he just letting other people have too much say these days?

[dug_down_deep]

George Lucas has very little talent, but he's too rich to be prevented from crapping a new rotten film every year or so.

[Hookpunch]

George Lucas has very little talent, but he's too rich to be prevented from crapping a new rotten film every year or so.

Exactly, I think the Star Wars fan boys must have convinced Lucas that he is a modern Shakespeare.

Although the screenplay is written David Koepp.

The Raiders' screenplay was written by Lawrence Kasdan, who is a talented writer. The Last Crusade's was Jeffrey Boam who had a decent history, Lethal Weapon 2, Lost Boys, Dead Zone.

[Martin B]

George Lucas is like King Midas, only when he touches something it turns to shit.

I was okay with most of the first part of the film, but found it rather charmless. The script of this movie was terrible, but we already knew that was going tobe the case because it was written by David Koepp, one of Hollywood's worst writers. (The Lost World anyone?). It was a movie full of unendearing characters. I couldn't even like Indy. He was fucking bad.

However, the rainforest chase scene quickly dissolved into something that left me unsure if I was watching Indiana Jones or The Jungle Book. My ability to suspend disbelief for a movie is a precious thing. Here, the filmakers have decided to rape this repeatedly. By the time chase had ended, I was ready to walk out of the theatre. I have never, ever walked out of a movie before. This was the closes I ever got and really wish that I had.

But I understand what this movie is all about. Every interview that Spielberg has done about this thing has stated the same thing "Oh, I did it for the fans". "People are always asking 'when is the next Indiana Jones movie coming?'". This was Spielberg's very elaborate way of saying "shut the fuck up and leave me alone".

[SteveF]

I enjoyed it a lot. But it did get a bit too much by the end. Could have done without the aliens.

[teeth!]

I enjoyed it a lot. But it did get a bit too much by the end. Could have done without the aliens.

Without the aliens.....there wouldn't have been a movie.

[SteveF]

Well, they could have just substituted in some random mythical bollocks instead. Or not have them actually fly off in a sub-close encounters spaceship.

[teeth!]

Well, they could have just substituted in some random mythical bollocks instead. Or not have them actually fly off in a sub-close encounters spaceship.

Blame Lucas for that one. It was his motherfucking idea.

[Dr. Octopus]

I'm glad I read this thread. Now I can skip the movie.

[Rhaedas]

But I understand what this movie is all about. Every interview that Spielberg has done about this thing has stated the same thing "Oh, I did it for the fans". "People are always asking 'when is the next Indiana Jones movie coming?'". This was Spielberg's very elaborate way of saying "shut the fuck up and leave me alone".

LOL

[SteveF]

I'm glad I read this thread. Now I can skip the movie.

I enjoyed it and would recommend going to see it. Plus it's got a pretty high rating on Rotten Tomatoes:

http://uk.rottentomatoes.com/m/indiana_jones_4/

[Hedwig]

Jesus. It sounds awful. To quote an extremely cliched movie line, I had a bad feeling about this. Everything I heard about it was not promising. Even the title wasn't promising. It sounded far too Temple of Doom and not nearly enough Raiders.

The only part I was really looking forward to was Marion coming back. I've always loved her. Sounds like she wasn't even used as much as she could have been.

Shia LeBouf's career needed to end with Transformers. I know my sister-in-law likes him, but I find him insufferable.

I do think I'll wait for the DVD for this one. I'll save my money and spend it on The Dark Knight later on this summer.

[Oolon Colluphid]

So, on the principle that I'll probably catch it on DVD if at all anyway, I risked the spoilers...

Spoilers ahead. Read on at your own peril.

So, I went last night to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Suck. I wasn't expecting much; Shia LeBouf tends to make movies terrible just by virtue of appearing in them, and let's face it, George Lucas hasn't had a good track record as far as movies go lately. Neither has Stephen Spielberg. So, I was sort of expecting a action-filled but absolutely charmless movie filled with cheap CGI and Jar Jar Binks. And holy crap, Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Suck failed even there.

The movie starts with a bunch of Soviets ransacking that warehouse we see the US Government wheel the Ark into in Raiders. Now, this warehouse is full of things. The Soviets don't want the Ark. They want a coffin with weird "magnetic" properties. Magnetic properties that include attracting gunpowder, lead, and god knows what else, but only when convenient for plot. They've captured Indiana Jones and they're holding him at gunpoint with another dude. Indiana tries to escape, but the other guy turns out to be a commie spy and Indiana gets fucked. Turns out the coffin contains the alien from Roswell.

Here's a cool fact, though. The army base scene was not filmed at an army base. It was filmed at Ghost Ranch, a major fossil bonebed.

lol

So, Indy gets out and finds himself in the middle of a nuclear test site, scrambles inside a refrigerator, and the whole place is nuked. Indy survives because the refrigerator is lead-lined.

lol

So, now the CIA is after Indy because the KGB kidnapped him, and he loses his job at his university (tenure apparently means nothing) and we see some forlorn looks at photos of Brody and Sean Connery. Sean Connery is apparently dead. Indy then leaves and runs into Shia LeBouf, who is a malt-shop gang member right out of West Side Story and wants him to translate something because his mom and a family friend got kidnapped. Something to do with crystal skulls. KGB are following, and then there's a motorcycle chase through the school grounds. So, they get back to Jone's study, and they translate the letter from some ancient tongue which probably doesn't exist, and figure out that they have to go to the Nazca lines in Peru. So, they charter a plane and off the Peru. They find out that the friend (The Ox, a stoner of unparalleled magnitude) was in an insane asylum, and there are some crazy pictures scrawled on the walls: an alien-looking skull and the words "return" in a bunch of languages. Okay, the skull has to be returned. Apparently it was stolen from El Dorado by the conquistadors and it has to be brought back. So, they go out to some ruins, fight a bunch of natives who have nothing better to do that sit around in an abandoned city, and they get the crystal skull. Oh, and Shia LeBouf is terrified of scorpions. Hey guys, if you can't tell that he's Indy's lovechild yet, raise your hands. But hey, the KGB is there staking them out, and Indy and Shia LeBouf get captured, and taken to the KGB camp.

Now, we learn that they have The Ox, who is ponchoed up and stoned out of his gourd. They also haave Shia LeBouf's mommy, who turns out to be....shocking....Marion from Raiders of the Lost Ark. The KGB is led by Cate Blanchett, who has a really distracting inability to pick whether her accent is vaguely Eastern European or British. She wants the crystal skull because it is an artifact with psychic power. She makes Indy use it on himself to learn about something or another; apparently this is what permastoned the Ox. She basically wants to use it to turn all Americans into communists. Apparently this is payback for McDonalds. From the effects on Anyways, they figure out where El Dorado is, and then Shia LeBouf stages an escape and they end up in quicksand. Stoner and Shia LeBouf run off to find help, and Indy and Marion have a shouting match and we find out that Shia LeBouf is Indy's son.

lol

So Shia LeBouf comes back with a rope....no wait, it's a giant snake. According to the movie, it's a rat snake, but actually, it's a python (Liasis olivaceous). Now, there are neither rat snakes nor Liasis in South America, but hey, this is just biologist nitpicking.

But we get the "omg Indy hates snakes" gag out of the way. And it really is a pretty snake.

And then they get captured, and then there's an extended chase scene and some Russians get carried off and eaten by army ants. Shia LeBouf gets helped by some monkeys (WTF?) and then the whole Jones crew goes over a few waterfalls and finds the entrance to El Dorado.

So, they enter El Dorado and it turns out that the crystal skull is not a carving of a god; it is a god, one of a bunch of little green men who came and taught people about civilization. And then it turns out that there are a bunch of natives who have nothing better to do than sit walled into the frescoes, who then break out and chase the Jones crew. They are, literally, called the Ooga-Booga Tribe or something equally racist. Go George Lucas!

I'm still trying to figure out how these people survive being walled up in these pillars. I'm assuming the rest of the tribe occasionally comes by and knocks on the walls:

"Hey Jim, you okay in there? Need some primitive native gruel? Jim? You in there?"

"Hey guys, I think Jim might be dead. Okay, pull down the fresco. Joey, you're on pillar duty from now on. We'll have your wife bring you gruel and pour it through the eyeholes occasionally. Remember, we have a sacred duty to protect the temple in case of the off chance that some dashing archaeologist and his merry men come by to return the bones of our gods, and in such an event, we will run around screaming "ooga-booga" and summarily all get shot by commies."

This is in fact what subsequently happens. Then, the Jones crew makes it into the central temple by destroying some artifacts, and then they find all sorts of art from various ancient civilizations. Apparently the aliens have no taste in art, either. Also, apparently, we're sticking to the whole "Aliens built the pyramids lolwhut" thing. Who the hell knows.

So then, they make it to the alien control room, and there are seven alien skeletons, one of which is missing its skull. The Soviets are there, and Cate Blanchett talks more about her plan to control the world, and then they put the skull back, and the aliens all come to life, and meld into a single alien. Ox the Stoner is now suddenly sober, and he's not hungover (WTF) and that they're interdimensional travelers and they're opening up a portal to another dimension. Jones et al run away as fast as they can, and Cate Blanchett gets the face-melt treatment before the entire complex is destroyed and a huge flying saucer erupts from the ground and then disappears. Then, everyone lives happily ever after; Indy gets a job as the assistant dean back at the university, and then Indy and Marion get hitched, and Shia LeBouf suggests that he's gonna be the next Indiana Jones, because he was named Henry Jones III, and then credits rolled almost as much as my eyes did.

Come on, Dlx, you're making that shit up, right? Right?! That's a marvellous piss-taking spoof you've written there. now, how about a synopsis of the actual film.

Please?

[Meathead]

This movie is a steaming pile of crap.

[miss djax]

honestly i thought shia was the best part of the movie. his entrance, avec jaunty hat and motorcycle was lifted straight from on the waterfront. evidently lucasfilm's been brushing up on its brando films

the alien shit SUCKED, but other wise it was a fairly standard issue jones movie. except the nazis are now commies. and somehow indy managed to join the military and now he's a colonel? when did THAT happen?

he's still hot for being an old fart. he's in his 60's now. holy shit, han solo can collect social security now!!

[Sarpedon]

My view is:

Harrison Ford does as good a job as ever.

However, the script had him acting in very non-Indiana Jones ways. For example. Indiana Jones in the other 3 movies is a very silent, stoic person. In times of trouble, he doesn't make meaningless comments like 'this can't be good!' He usually grunts and does something awesome. Not so in this movie. Also, they have him lecturing; and not just while he's teaching his class. He lectures everyone, at all times. Unlike him.

I don't share the OP's hatred of Shia Leboeuf. I think he did an adequate job in the role given to him. My blame for the disapointment of the film rests squarely on the script, and the direction, and the fucking producer.

Continuity points. Like; how old the ancient ruins actually are. For example, they find the alien's art collection in the temple, which is supposedly 'seven thousand years old' and the aliens stopped being active at some point. However, you look at the art, you see Qin terra cotta men (2150 years old) Egyptian New Kingdom carvings (3000ish), Laotian style Buddhas (1000ish?) Minoan carvings (3000ish?) etc.

And how about the communists? Did communists run around the world looking for ancient artifacts of power? No. Nazis did do that, which is why they made good villains the first time around. But what about this aristocraticly demeanored, sword weilding Ukrainian 'psychic' who was supposedly 'Stalin's darling' doing controlling so much power in the Kruschev era? Not to mention the KGB officer who shouts 'For the Love of God, Shut Up!'

It is certainly the weakest of the 4. None of the novelty and non stop interest of the first, nor the strong villain and awesome specacle of the second, nor the strong supporting cast and dialogue of the third.