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  • You have an unprecedented ability to fool yourself with the most transparent bullshit.

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Messages - Florence Jellem

1
Introductions / Re: Flo here
Actually my soul is now filled with Miracle Whip mayo. :) Just smear that stuff on American Kraft individually wrapped cheese-like substance on Wonder Bread, with a Vlasic pickle ("Taste What a Pickle Can Do") on the side, and you are good to go.

Incidentally, my nephew and his friend have started on online publishing venture. So far two novels are available. I'm a character in one of them, entitled "The Pood." In it, I am violently slaughtered within the first 30 pages. My foot is gnawed off, and then I am set on fire. This takes place inside of my fuel-efficient 1977 Toyota Corolla. The car crashes into a tree and I am completely immolated. :(  Later, however, I am resurrected and betrothed to the Devil, who is  modeled on the devil who met with Ivan in The Brothers Karamazov. He is a sad-sack, pill-popping loser who lives in a filthy basement  apartment in Hell, Michigan, along with  a motley assortment of asps, flunkies, deformities and She Things. My nephew wrote this. I wonder if he is trying to tell me something? :???:

The other book is about Abraham Lincoln coming back to life and running against Donald Trump for president in 2016  with the nation on the brink of a second Civil War. I don't think I am a character in that novel, thank Jesus.

I hope it is not against the Law here to post links to these materials. If my nephew doesn't succeed at this, I am afraid he is going to wind up living in a Dumpster in Akron, Ohio, or selling his organs for opioids. Here are the links:

Pood Paw Prints

Pood Paw Prints Facefuck page

The Pood

Abe 2.0: Welcome to the Asylum, Mr. President

Perhaps some of you might actually enjoy reading about Flo being mercilessly slaughtered and then later plighting her troth to the Suzerain of Stinkerdom.  :whyyou:
2
Philosophy / Who am I? Why am I here?
Who am I? Why am I here?

As Flo hurtles toward Death, I think about these questions a lot. Sometimes I lie awake at night feeling just like that poor Admiral Stockdale.  :???:

I read somewhere that one time the police stopped Arthur Schopenhauer in the park and asked him who he was and where he was going. Supposedly he replied, "Ah! Those are the questions!" But then again, Schopenhauer looked like a scuzzy old bum so it's no surprise the cops were keeping an eye on him. I shouldn't doubt that he was a Muslim, too.

But that's neither here nor there.

I dream that when my time is up Jesus will knock on my front door, and invite to step out of the house and into a stretch limo that will drive me to Heaven. There, I will have a celestial kitchen with a refrigerator that never runs out of food.

OTOH, it's perfectly possible Jesus will assign me to the place downstairs, where I will also have a kitchen, but it will give new meaning to the adage, "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen."

Still, while I'm pretty sure I have early-stage dementia, I'm not mentally retarded; and I don't honestly believe these kitchen fantasies. They just make me feel good (well, the heaven kitchen does, anyway).

So, boys, what do you think happens when we die? Can it really be "lights out for good"? Flo resists that conclusion with every fiber of my being, and all the fiber in my breakfast cereal, too. (Incidentally, fiber eases constipation.)
3
Introductions / Re: Flo here
I figured how to upload an image of a jar of Miracle Whip mayonnaise as my avatar, boys. :) That's pretty good progress considering that some time back I tried to send chocolate chip cookies via Email by placing them in my desktop computer's CD-ROM tray and then randomly banging down on some buttons. It didn't work. :(
4
Introductions / Re: Flo here
Hello, boys, it's Flo.  :wave:

I see you've redecorated. Is there a cafeteria now, or a food court?
Hey! How has Professor Dunwiddle been?  Being a gentleman I hope...

Thanks for asking after Dunwiddle, dear. I'm afraid the poor man was felled by a stroke that has confined him to a wheelchair and rendered him mostly mute. :(

He and I were members of the "Silent Generation" that came after the "Greatest Generation" but before the "Baby Boomers." Ironically enough, though a member of the Silent Generation,  Dunwiddle could never stop talking. He was constantly yammering on about philosophy and sex, or sex and philosophy. One time before his stroke he visited me for brunch and I poured him a nice piping hot cup of STFU, but he didn't take the hint. Instead he made a clumsy pass at me. In the end it would never have worked between us because had had no interest at all in the topic of food preparation. I believe I could have put up with all of his foibles if only he had taken some interest in cheese.

The last time I visited him in the assisted living facility to which he is now confined he lurched about in his wheelchair and then shot out a hand in an effort to grab one of my withered breasts and managed to choke out in a strangled voice, "Mein Flo-er!" Then, in Strangelovian fashion, with his free hand he beat down his outstretched arm. He even managed to rise to his feet for a few moments before collapsing onto the floor. It was all quite sad. :(

As for me, my get up and go seems to have got up and gone. :( Mostly I spend my days drinking whiskey, watching Fox News and masturbating while waiting for Jesus to knock on my door and invite me outside to step into the limo that will drive me to heaven, where a celestial kitchen awaits with a fridge that never runs out of  Kraft American cheese-like product or Miracle Whip mayo.
5
Introductions / Re: Flo here
He still posts here.

He amazing. He was able to get rabbits to not reproduce.
Unfortunately he wanted more.

His latest thread is about how he is sure that the ancients had more knowledge than we do because they used inaccurate measurements that are easier to remember than the accurate numbers.
Except he does not seem to realise that that is what he is claiming.


ETA and he is not from the city of Nice.
You could not have meant that he is nice, as in polite.


Oh, yes, I see that he is still here! Dave Hawkins, that's the name. Flo is getting terrible with names in her dotage. :(

Growing old isn't for pussies, boys, if you take my meaning.

I see that he has started a thread on the length of Noah's cubit, and said that Newton concluded that it was 25 inches.

Mind you, I don't want to quarrel with Newton --  I'm aware that he was a great scientist -- but I think a 25-inch cubit for anyone is pretty far-fetched.

OTOH, maybe that's why Noah made sure to bring  a female elephant on board.   :ohmy:
6
Introductions / Re: Flo here
 :ohmy: at the admin thing.

That's very touching, boys. I was a hall monitor back when I was professing home economics at Chester Alan Arthur Junior High. Is that anything like being an admin? You'd be surprised at how the simple expedient of  a spatula applied in a timely fashion and with near-lethal force keeps the rug rats circulating expeditiously to and from class with a minimum of knife fights, public fornication and suchlike hijinks.

Thanks for the nice welcome back. :)

Incidentally, does that nice Christian gentleman still post here? His name escapes me at the moment. I think he said he was living in a Dumpster covered by a flammable tarpaulin in the parking lot of a big-box Walmart Superstore in the hinterlands of Missouri, where he was trying to grow crops on the macadam to feed the world sustainably with as little work as possible. Apparently he was having a hard time making a go of it. :( I think he said that he owned some goats and a giraffe, and that he shit (pardon Flo's French) in potholes on the road. Does any of that ring a bell? I may have gotten some of the details wrong because of early-stage dementia. I certainly enjoyed reading his stuff, but my goodness I hope by now his family has staged an intervention on that poor boy's behalf. If you hear from him tell him he is Flo's prayers.

Also tell him that if he is single or hard up,  as I imagine a hobo must be, I may have a date for him. :)

Yours in Christ,
Flo Jellem
7
Introductions / Re: Flo here
Also, why is there  a big empty circle next to my name and post title in the thread list?  :???:
8
Introductions / Flo here
Hello, boys, it's Flo.  :wave:

I see you've redecorated. Is there a cafeteria now, or a food court?